Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Court rules condoms don’t deliver orgasms. Duh

It’s a condom, not a magic trick. But do we want reality in the world of condom advertisi

In a decision that’s clearly, umm, nuts, a German court has rejected a manufacturer’s claims that a box of seven condoms contains “up to 21 orgasms”.

The company defended its advertising pitch, arguing that it counted one orgasm per condom for the man and two for the woman.
That’s optimism for you.
But the judge wasn’t buying it, concluding the advertising slogan was “deceptive” and could lead to the irresponsible multiple use of condoms.
It’s all a bit silly really.
I can’t imagine people reusing condoms again and again in a bid to get their money’s worth and reach the elusive 21-orgasm goal per box.
In any case, I don’t think we want reality in the world of condom advertising.
Surely the dodgy packaging, soft-focus naked bodies on the pack and extravagant claims are all part of the fun of buying a packet of condoms? In fact, it may be the only fun thing about buying condoms.
Strictly in the name of research, I cast my eye over some condom boxes in my local chemist, and noticed that there was a distinct absence of colourful claims and wild promises.
For instance, Durex RealFeel gives you “the confidence to love the sex you have”. Well, that’s lowering the bar, isn’t it? He may as well slip a sock on it and make a mug of Ovaltine.
Same goes for LifeStyles condoms which only offer “proven protection that feels really good”. Really good? Are they getting 1980s The Comedy Company icon Kylie Mole to write their ads now?
In fact, some brands such as Trojan could easily have been advertising tinted car windows or dead locks with the uninspiring slogan “Pleasure you want. Protection you trust”.
It’s all so dull and dependable – like condoms themselves, I guess.
But where are the stallions galloping along the beach? The panel vans parked in front of seductive sunsets? The promise of endless orgasmic orgies?
Similarly, the makers of Durex Ultra Thin Feel tells me their product could “help reduce the risk of pregnancy”. Well, that’s not really good enough, is it? You don’t want it to be a little bit effective, just as you don’t want to be a little bit pregnant.
And there’s the Ansell Skyn selection. If they can’t even spell, what hope do they have of making a good condom?
The pack tells me it’s the “the closest to wearing nothing”. Again, this is a pretty useless piece of information. It’s not as if you’re going to risk it and go without just to put it to the test.
Next time I need condoms (frankly, it’s not likely to be any time soon), I think I’ll opt for a Love Light glow-in-the-dark option. Who could go past a condom that’s billed as “like having your own lightsaber”?
But even the Love Light has its critics, with one online reviewer noting that it’s less like Star Wars and more like “having a two-inch glowworm that never turns into a butterfly no matter how many times you wrap it in a toilet paper chrysalis”. Pity.
Clearly, these advertising writers haven’t yet discovered which offers gems such as Cover your stump before you hump, If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it, and Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
Now that’s my kind of advertising.

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