But the new feature (iHorny?) makes about as much sense as Absolut having a sobriety app, or McDonald’s managing your weight loss program.
The sex tracker, which is actually a new component of Apple’s pre-installed Health app, is a dumb idea. You already know how much sex you’re getting.
Spending more time typing data into your phone is not going to make things steamier between the sheets. Just the opposite: The more time you spend on your smartphones, the more difficult it is to reach out to your partner.
How are you supposed to put the moves on when someone is staring into their Candy Crush Saga? With all of these devices lying around, it’s hard to even get someone’s attention, let alone get them to return your bedroom eyes.
These days, if you’re lying in bed with a warm, glowy feeling in your lap, it’s probably because you’re watching John Oliver on your iPad.
The way Apple tries to turn everything into a tech issue is equally ridiculous. The app promises you’ll be able to log whether “protection was used.” So what? Like you would forget that?
If you’re typing this information into your gadget the next morning, you have a serious problem that the app is not going to solve. If you’re typing this information into your gadget during sex, then you have an even more serious problem.You already know all of this is true, but there’s data to back it up. For instance, a Harris Poll last year found that more people said they could not live without mobile phones (26 per cent) than could not live without sex (20 per cent).
Smartphones aren’t even 10 years old. Everybody lived without a smartphone until late into the last decade. Now they’re somehow more important than sex. Which is only the thing that keeps us going as a species.
A Durham University study this year found that people are reporting having sex three times a month, down from four times a month in 2000 and five times a month in 1990. That’s a huge decline within a single generation.
Is it a coincidence that this gigantic loss of interest in sex just happened to take place during an era when entertainment and communication options went from limited to virtually infinite? In the same survey, 40 per cent of adults admitted to putting off sex to send a text, check e-mail or goof around on the Web.
Then there’s the problem that once data is logged into anything, it becomes part of the world’s information ecosystem. Sure, Apple will swear it isn’t collecting facts on what kind of bedroom action turns you on — yet. In a few years, your smartwatch will be able to detect when you’ve had a spat with your partner and take the opportunity to start pushing Tinder profiles of people who have the same sex portfolio as you.
In the Mad Men era, cartoonists loved the punch line, “Not tonight, darling, I have a headache.” Now your partner is going to tell you, “Not tonight, I’m busy logging in the details of what we did last Thursday.”
Apple, your sex app isn’t going to spice up the bedroom. You’re nuking our nooky.